1. My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.
2. Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.
3. Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.
4. My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”
5. My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
6. Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go too.
7. I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
8. At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
9. I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
10. I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.
11. Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my husband a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.
12. As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps
13. I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.
