I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Johnny Carson

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Phyllis Diller

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell

I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs.

Mitch Hedberg

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you’re in the toilet.

Redd Foxx

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

Rodney Dangerfield

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball

Some people have a way with words, and other people … oh, uh, not have way.

Steve Martin

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

Milton Berle

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes — and six months later, you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.

George Burns

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

George Carlin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

Demetri Martin

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.

Norm Macdonald

Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Groucho Marx

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.

Aparna Nancherla

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Elayne Boosler

When it comes to raising children, I believe in give and take. I give orders and they take ’em.

Bernie Mac

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

Jack Benny

There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

David Letterman

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Jimmy Kimmel

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

Lily Tomlin

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it.

John Mulaney

Don’t wear fur. Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

Emo Philips

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.

Larry David

Don’t ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays.

Mae West

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Mark Twain

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

W.C. Fields

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.

Richard Pryor

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

Don Rickles

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

Jerry Seinfeld

The fast-food chain Sonic is now offering a 1,700-calorie peanut butter bacon milkshake, which explains Sonic’s new slogan, “Tell my wife I loved her.”

Conan O’Brien

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Zach Galifianakis

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.

Leslie Nielsen

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

Marc Maron

I wish airport security also ran the lottery because then I’d have a better chance of “randomly” winning.

Trevor Noah

When my kids grow up, I’m gonna invite myself to dinner at their houses, demand mac ‘n’ cheese, then tell them it’s gross.

Ana Gasteyer

Chip card readers are the hand dryers of financial transactions.

B.J. Novak

There should be a children’s song “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.”

Jim Gaffigan

I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. Each time I enter a room, I wonder what I’m here after.

Tim Conway

My dad goes through war novels like I go through boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Mike Birbiglia

You can’t be friends with people who call after 11 p.m.

Nora Ephron