I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER. ~
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING. ~
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET. ~
WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS “1” FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE? ~
WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.
BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG. ~
INSTEAD OF “SINGLE” AS A MARITAL STATUS, I PREFER “INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED”. ~
PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES. ~
LET’S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE. ~
VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES! ~
I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK….”REALLY? THAT’S THE SPERM THAT WON?” ~
IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED. ~
IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT. ~
MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD. ~
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID, AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM. ~
CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON. ~
IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.